A Depressingly Toned Start...

Well, after deciding to restart my blog/journal/diary, I've come to the conclusion that I pretty much hate the way I look physically .

Before you all start thinking this is just a way for me to get you guys to tell me "Oh no! You're so skinny!" (a la Mean Girls), it's not.

I'm actually miserable about it. I mean, I'd only just gotten to the point where I really liked how my body looked, hence the modelling, but now, I just feel really despondent about the whole thing... It doesn't help that I run a student bar where all the girls are actually tiny. I'm not even joking, they're all pretty much skinny as, and it just forcibly reminds me that I'm not hot.

And the worst part of it is, it's making me feel like an awkward, unhappy, teenager again... to the point where I'm having to force myself to eat sometimes... I'm barely eating anything as it is... with the exclusion of Red Bull which isn't food, but I am still ridiculously addicted to. I feel 15 again and it fucking sucks.

I need to stop compaining about it and actually *DO* something about it, but the only way I know how to lose weight is to not eat... or eat and then puke it back up...

And this whole thing is just ridiculous.

*I'm* being bloody ridiculous, but I'm just not happy in this skin.

I'm just lucky I have Stephen supporting me, and constantly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. I'd be inclined to agree if I lost a couple of stone... Anyway, meh.

Night,

Em, x

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us on the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.' "
Elayne Boosler - American comedienne and activist