That Little Voice...

Basically guys, I have good and bad news.

Good news is, I now weigh 9 3/4 stone, only 1/4 stone more than I did before I got pregnant with my gorgeous son back in August 208.

Better news, I fitted into skinny jeans for the first time ever in my life, and didn't look like an idiot with thunder-thighs.

Bad news is... well... it's not exactly encouraging me to eat properly. Not eating gets me the results I want quickly, albeit slightly unhealthily.

The kind of better news, is that now I am feeling much thinner and better about myself, that I kind of feel like I can eat without feeling guilty. Or so I thought.

I just had 4 Ferrero Rocher, and felt so guilty, I couldn't stop the bile from rising up in my throat, thus leading me to the bathroom, from which I have just returned.

It's all very stupid really. On one hand, not eating is ridiculous, I know that, YOU know that, everybody knows that. I tell myself that when the little voice in my head says "Don't eat that sandwich. You'll get fatter." And sometimes it works.

But worryingly, more recently, I've been noticing that my response to that little voice of late is "You know... You might be right."

That little voice is like every bitchy girl I was in sixth form with, rolled into one.

*sigh*

I'm actually just randomly burbling really, jotting things down as they come in to my head. Best way, I suppose.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I LOVE cooking food. I love the process, I love seeing others eat and enjoy something I've put time and effort into preparing but eating it myself? Not so much.

I've even gotten to the point where I bargain with myself. I might be absolutely ravenous, but eating a whole meal would just create too much guilt. So I bargain, and just have a small something (a very small something). Or I won't let myself eat till I am so hungry, I gt a headache. Or I tell myself "You can eat in an hour."

It's so friggin' stupid.

How am I supposed to feel good in THIS skin, when I keep seeing how I SHOULD look...

For example...

Now, The Saturdays make some very catchy music. But LOOK how slim they all are! It actually makes me WANT to vomit.

Meh.

I'm finding that my pagan beliefs are helping me though, just keeping me strong when I really need it, and reminding me of good things in life... a job my son and soon-to-be-husband are doing quite well... apart from Reuben being oorly and sniffly and snotty and generally miserable, crotchety and bad-tempered. Poor little thing.

We think he's cutting his first tooth too, you can see the whiteness in his gum.

Anyway, I'd better go and see to my little Troll-Baby...

Laters,

Em, x

Getting Off My Arse...

I am going to do something about this baby weight.

After speaking to two people whose opinions I greatly value, stopping eating is really not the best thing to do for me to lose weight safely. Katie-Lee (most awesome of awesome hippy chicks) reminded my of two years back, when after a particularly terrible breakup, I stopped eating (my logic being "If I stop eating, I'll get thinner and he'll love me again!") and started going out every night... Not so bad, I hear you say, but the fact that I did it everyday for three weeks *was* bad...

I went from going out with Katie-Lee looking like this in the September (I'm on the left)...

To looking like this in December, after the breakup (again, me on the left)...

The day after this picture was taken, I ended up in hospital with severe kidney problems. Turns out, when you don't eat for three weeks, and drink instead, it does not equal win. In fact, it actually equals mahoosive lose.
 Basically, I'd gotten a kidney infection, that had just gotten worse and worse until finally I was taken to hospital when I collapsed. I was told that another 24 hours and my kidneys would have gone into renal failure.

So yes, utterly mean boy + no food + much alcohol = poorly

As an added note, the beautiful girlie in the pics is my Katie-Lee, you should definately go across and read her blog! She's a very talented writer, currently doing her MA in Journalism...

Anyway, tangent completed, Katie-Lee reminded me that not eating lands me in a whole heap of trouble... She then proceeded to yell at me, that I was being stupid... well, as much as you can yell on Facebook chat at 2 in the morning.

I then spoke to soon-to-be-my-hubby, Stephen, who then said he'd help in whatever way he could...

We're now joining a gym on Monday, he's taken all the unhealthy stuff out of the house (not that we had much anyway), bought loads of SlimFast (his logic being if you're not going to eat much, at least drink something that remotely healthy)... *AND* my mum is going to come over every Monday to watch Reuben so Stephen and I can go to the previously aforementioned gym.

Check that for being positive.

On an eve more awesome note, my son learnt to crawl this week! Whoop whoop and holler! Am so very proud of the little guy!

Anyway, better go, Small Boy is awake and demanding I feed him...

Em, x

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for..."

A Depressingly Toned Start...

Well, after deciding to restart my blog/journal/diary, I've come to the conclusion that I pretty much hate the way I look physically .

Before you all start thinking this is just a way for me to get you guys to tell me "Oh no! You're so skinny!" (a la Mean Girls), it's not.

I'm actually miserable about it. I mean, I'd only just gotten to the point where I really liked how my body looked, hence the modelling, but now, I just feel really despondent about the whole thing... It doesn't help that I run a student bar where all the girls are actually tiny. I'm not even joking, they're all pretty much skinny as, and it just forcibly reminds me that I'm not hot.

And the worst part of it is, it's making me feel like an awkward, unhappy, teenager again... to the point where I'm having to force myself to eat sometimes... I'm barely eating anything as it is... with the exclusion of Red Bull which isn't food, but I am still ridiculously addicted to. I feel 15 again and it fucking sucks.

I need to stop compaining about it and actually *DO* something about it, but the only way I know how to lose weight is to not eat... or eat and then puke it back up...

And this whole thing is just ridiculous.

*I'm* being bloody ridiculous, but I'm just not happy in this skin.

I'm just lucky I have Stephen supporting me, and constantly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. I'd be inclined to agree if I lost a couple of stone... Anyway, meh.

Night,

Em, x

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us on the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.' "
Elayne Boosler - American comedienne and activist